I can walk into any Wal-Mart and get my eyes examined by some Dr. Arab for cheap and after that I can buy a Sub-Way sub. As I am eating my sub I can smell the fumes from the chop-shop nail salon next to me where Chinese women AND men work at. I can get some prescriptions filled and get some new cheap Chinese tires for my car all while my wife buys some low-quality garbage clothing. See, Wal-Mart puts all the services a town can offer and puts them all under one single roof for dirt cheap prices. The quality of services is garbage and the quality of the products they sell is made in China by Chinese people who probably get paid more than the actual employees at Wal-Mart. Slowly, but surely, Wal-Mart suffocates the city into submission and if you disagree you can check the facts, there is real data.

On a lighter note, how many families do you think start their Saturday’s with this question: “Where we going to lunch at? Wal-Mart or Target?”. All 7 of the kids want to go to Wal-Mart but they ate there for dinner last night, so big momma lays the law down and says they will be eating at Target today. I like Target but every time I go I see some crazy shit. The last time I was there there was a family of hosses hossing around the store aimless like they had nothing better to do. The mom was gigantic and had slopped food down her shirt and the dad was loud and annoying just like the chubby son who was at least 6 years old and could barely speak proper. The son kept dropping some type of aluminum water bottle and the sound of it hitting the tile floor was excruciating to the point I wanted to run by and steal the bottle and punt it across the store. The bottle was dropped again and landed at the feet of Giganta-Mom and she was looking around for the bottle but could not see it because she was so fat and could not see her feet, where the bottle lay. She somehow located it and started to bend over to pick it up and I mouthed the words, “Oh, shit.” because I realized I was in the Danger Zone: Right behind her. I gripped my cart and started to escape the Danger Zone but I could not take my eyes off that fat ass as I was trying to escape. I braced for impact but somehow her pants did not split as she made it to ground zero and picked up the water bottle. Thank God for stretchy jeans.

The food in food court is just plain nasty. I would rather (gulp) eat at IHOP. Maybe. One saturday we were at Target and I was hung-over as shit and a major case of the hang-over-munchies to point of taking a bite out the hotdog my step-daughter was eating and almost barfed. No wonder she was only eating the bun. but, like I said I had the hang-over-munchies and I had it bad so I took another bite and gacked and had to wash it down with the only positive thing at the food court: the ICEE slushy!

What is up with people who use the electric-powered carts in stores? Are they really not capable of walking around the store? Yeah, actually they are not capable because they are too fucking fat and lazy to walk. I am pretty sure I saw a fatty cruising around one time eating a box of Cracker Jacks. They are not aware of other shoppers and just fly around corners and in and out of aisles like they own the place. I see old people being badasses and walking on their own power not stooping low enough to use one of those carts even though they deserve to use one.

One of the worst places to shop is Marc’s. I was there a few weeks ago and was in shock at the debacle that ensued. The aisles are laid out like a maze and nearly impossible to push a cart around. I got stuck in one aisle because an old lady, I swear, was legally dead for about 5 mins. just standing frozen not moving blocking the end of one aisle and I had a little Hispanic chic behind me talking on her phone in that ugly language they call Spanish and she was blocked in by some other lady talking on her phone. I did not know what to do, my head was spinning, should I just ram the old lady with my cart or just start  walking backwards throwing some elbows.  As I was pondering my course of action the old lady came to and shuffled out of the aisle and the two bitches that were talking on their phones annoyed each other enough they dispersed to other aisles. A few minutes later my glasses lense popped out, really it did, and I was not able to fix (could have gotten them fixed if I were at Wal-Mart) it so I had to finish the trip partially blind but I did not care because I could not look at the patrons anymore and it was impossible to locate products anyways because there was no organization. Come on Marc’s, get with the times and start accepting EVERYTHING for payment and not just cash or check. I stood in line for 20 mins. staring at a huge display of canned baked beans that was on clearance at the check out aisle. Who the hell buys baked beans on clearance?

I have always had a shy bladder but never really knew why until I remembered………..Mohican field trip in 6th grade. There were three stalls for us boys to go No. 2 in and some kids thought it was funny to kid in the door and take a picture of the kid taking a shit. I wasn’t down with so I somehow held it for a week. Yes, no No.2 for me for 5 days, that should some world record.

My shy bladder was so bad one point that I waited in line at a Browns/Steelers game for 10 mins. to go No.1 and when it was my turn to go I froze. I panicked. I can’t just stand here trying to go and hold up the line. So, I faked it, but I still had to go. That was when I noticed a stall had no line and I darted in there and was able to urinate. Sometimes I have to take my drug test with 100 other dudes and we all stand in line just waiting to pee in a cup which does not fly with me. First try I couldn’t go so I went to the back of the line. Second try took me to the end of the line, again. Third time I was so close until the guy in the next stall started humming and it was off the end of the line for me. I have to now schedule my drug tests so I am by myself and get my own bathroom.

Working in and around Cleveland at various locations on any given day put me in the position of basically If You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go. I have done work in law offices or advertising companies which are on the 40th floor of a highrise and when I walk into their bathrooms someone is always dropping bombs. I almost want to ask them if I should call an ambulance or ask what the hell they were eating to make poop like that. I don’t care if you gotta crap but can you at least try control it? Please. No one wants to hear farting noises and small explosions coming from stall No.1 even though I still chuckle to myself.

For two years I worked for my company at a community college in downtown Cleveland which automatically made me the only white guy in the bathrooms. I have seen a naked black guy laying on the floor of a stall one time and it makes me wonder what is worse: him being naked or him laying on a public bathroom floor? There was a family bathroom which a co-worker had trouble opening the door because something was blocking it. He rammed it with his shoulder and was able to budge the door open a bit noticed a black wearing full camo and ski goggles was asleep against the door. I checked this out and sure enough he was asleep and he was also doing laundry because he had clothes drying all over the bathroom and even pots and pans. I had seen this guy on campus often in 90 degree heat still in full camo and ski goggles. I would see him in the lunch room melting candy bars in his pots. I don’t know, maybe he made one huge Snickers bar out of 5 melted ones. A few times, in low traffic bathrooms, I have seen a guy stroll in and pull his gun out his pants and put it on the sink. Trust me, I had to try not to think about the last part in the movie American History X multiple times (if you do not know what I am talking about, rent the movie).

My Rules For Safe Public Bathroom Use:

1: Do not make eye contact with anyone. Not even if you see someone you know and if you do see someone you know, do not acknowledge him until you are both out of the bathroom.

2: No humming or singing. No grunting noises, either. If you are at a bar you may do a very low decibel sigh of relief when going No.1.

3: No talking. The only sound you hear should be water.

4: Always use the odd nuber of urinals. Example: There are 3 urinals so you want to pick No.1 or No.3 and pray the next guy that walks in doesn’t pick No.2. Reason being that No.1 and No.3 are able to be used free of someone peeing next to you. If you walk in and there is one guy using No.2  you may wanna pretend busy washing your hands he is done because chances are that guy likes wieners.

5: If you walk in and someone is taking a shit you better get your ass in gear and pee as fast as you can and get the fuck out of there. There is nothing more awkward when you are still in the bathroom when the guy who was just pooping is done and walks out of the stall to see that there was a witness to him shitting. Not a good situation especially if you break Rule No.1 and make eye contact.

They had one copy for rent left and I snatched it up. About %75 of the movies are watched by me and wife and she doesn’t really care or stay awake for %99 of them.She did manage to stay awake and watch one of the longest movies I have seen in Avatar. I did not think it was the greatest movie but it was worth the rent. I will tell you why my wife liked it and that reason is because she sometimes lives in a crazy fictional world just like in the movie. She loved all the effects and landscapes of the planet where the movie took place.

Anyways, the movie was really long and was part live action and part CGI which was kind of annoying because if I wanted to watch a cartoon I could have popped in my Ninja Turtles Season 2 Box Set DVDs that I bought for 6 bucks when I was drunk at a grocery store in Dayton. The Avatars are the good guys and the humans are the bad guys and want to destroy the tree the Avatars live in because their is a great deal of some mineral under the tree. The humans are able to take the mind of human and put it into a an Avatar body, almost like a remote control alien body. Can you guess what happens next? The main human/Avatar falls in love with a real Avatar and they ride some birds and six-legged horses and wear nothing but loin clothes all day until the human/Avatar finds out that the strip mining equipment is near and ready to kill all that stand between them and the tree.  I will not spoil the rest but a pretty sweet action battle scene fills up pretty much the rest of the movie.

Oh, Sigourney Weaver is in this movie, too. She  is scary looking but actually looks better when she becomes an Avatar.

Trust me, she looks better as an Avatar.

10: Jeff Garcia, NFL QB. This guy played for about 6 teams in his NFL career and I think I know why: he is ugly. He is so ugly he was booted out of Cleveland when he played for the Browns.  

This is actually an okay picture of him and he is still ugly. One would figure that with the last name “Garcia”, he would, be um, a little darker and maybe have a moustache?

9: Rojon Rondo, NBA Little Shit. Not only is this guy look ugly but his name is ugly, too.

Just look at him. He has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoulders and some type of lizard face, too. Everytime I see this fool he has on some type gay little smirk like he knows he is ugly but he makes more money than most of the U.S. population.

8: Nancy Kerrigan. First Ice Skating Horse. If Tonya Harding wanted to win a horse race but knew of one competitor to be faster, what should she do? Break the horses leg! And that is what she did in some Winter Olympic games; she had Kerrigans legs broke or beaten badly enough to where she could not compete in Ice Skating. She was shipped off to the glue factory.

MORE TO COME!

~ Graduate High School. I see so many kids these days dropping out for no good reason at all. I did not care for school but what the hell was I going to do other wise during the day? Get my ass beat by other drop-outs?

~ Do not lie. I honestly cannot remember the last time I lied but I know for sure that I can’t lie these days because I really suck at it. I am sure if I were caught in a lie my ass would be beat instantly.

~ Do not wear sweat pants. Nothing positive results from wearing this hideous piece of cloth. If you are running to the store on a Sunday morning to get eggs or milk why not throw on a pair of jeans? I guarantee you will not get your ass beat if you do not wear sweat pants.

~ Do not have close friends of the opposite sex, this goes double if you are in a relationship or married. Friends of the opposite sex cause nothing but problems. It is hard to  keep your girlfriend/wife happy when there is another “friend-girl” in the picture. Does not matter if it platonic.  Luckily I have never had this problem because I do not want my ass beat by my wife.

~ Do not use the drive-thru when getting fast food. I always go inside to place my order since the workers always mess up my order. This saves the hamburger guy an ass beating when he messes up my burger. How many times have you gotten home to eat and your burger is wrong or you are missing a fry? Are you going to go back and get the right burger?  By going IN to the establishment you are on the front lines and can check your order and get it fixed.

~ Walk slowly through automatic doors. This is a new rule of mine. I have been having way too many problems at Drug Mart walking into the door because it opens way too slow or sometimes it doesn’t open at all. So, I have actually smashed my face into the door a few times and fortunately people are having a good laugh instead of beating my ass.

~ Always take a shower first thing in the morning. I am a shower freak and average two a day. To me, waking up and taking a shower is what starts my day. I want to beat peoples’ asses when they say proudly, “I haven’t taken a shower since yesterday.”. WTF! Why have you not taken a damn shower, you smelly pig? Usually people who wear sweat pants alot do not take showers on a daily basis. I wonder if they think the elastic waistband and ankle bands trap the stench of ass in the sweat pants?

~ This next one combines with the shower rule: always complete the shower by putting on deodorant and brushing your teeth. Real example: At church one sunday morning and the woman in the row in front me smelled like she had not showered since Jesus was alive. I should have been tipped off that the there was a smelly person around because the row I picked to sit in was completely vacant and me and my wife were late to service, too. The worse part was that the preacher kept telling every one to put their hands in the air which resulted in this womans raising her arm and her pit emitting a rainbow of garbage directing into my nose.

More rules still to come…………..

GPS: For a fraction of the cost of a GPS you can go buy a map. How many times are people actually needing the GPS while driving? Where are you going that you don’t know where you are going? I hear people all the time talking about wanting a GPS and I wonder where in hell the are they driving that they actually need one? Waste of money.

Cell Phones: Yeah, we all own one or even two. I get a new phone about every two years unless it breaks due to the phone being a piece of shit. Phones can cost up to $700………$700! To be “hip” and up to dat the phone companies release new phone almost every damn month and people actually buy them. My phone has a camera and record video and I like that but for all the people who have the touch-screens and “blazing fast internet” or the latest cool ringtones can go jump off a cliff but, oh, wait your phone also has a parachute! I have seen people in in soup kitchens eating food and looking through donated clothes while talking on $500 phones. Cell phones have their purpose in society but need to be more regulated to where you have to be 18 years or older and have a brain to use or own one.

Movie Rentals: Anybody know that Blockbuster is possibly going out of business even after closing thousands of stores? The people who lose their jobs can thank the ignorant bums of society who are too lazy to go to Blockbuster. Can anyone give me ONE good reason to use Netflix or Redbox? I don’t use Netflix because when I want to watch a movie I want to watch it NOW and not in a few when it comes in the mail. Oh, look, a Redbox at Giant Eagle or that Jabroni-Redbox outside of Speedway has movies for only a buck! I am guilty of using a Redbox and if you do return the movie to a Redbox the next it is a dollar and so on. Well, the damn thing was broke and would not take the movie until a few days later. Support Blockbuster and rent from them where actual people work there and you can return movies anytime.

Ipod: The worst $150 I have ever spent and I do not feel bad for the folks who bought the more expensive ones, suckers! Now, I am not a fan nor do I really care about what megabytes or gigabytes or dynabytes are but what I do know is that too much of them equals more money. So, your Ipod Touch can hold thousands upon thousands of songs and you can even watch movies on it? Awesome!……if you actually know over a thousand songs to download and if your thing is to watch movies on a 2-inch screen with headphones on.

Digital Books: or whatever the hell those things are called. I never thought I would see the day where people actually read a book on a digital screen that they hold in their hand. I am being extremely bias against this product and I honestly do not know jack shit about it except for the fact if I saw someone “reading” one I would grab the back of their head and slam their stupid face into the “book”. Lights out, fool. Books are a piece of our history and heritage where the locations of reading a book are endless and the adventures come in the form of paper and ink. It will be a cold day in hell when I have to my “book” down do recharge the batteries.

3D Movies: Come on! If I am shelling out $9 dollars to see a new movie I do not want to be watching it in 3D, dammit. Don’t just release the movie in 3D but release a normal version. 3D = slipping and falling in a men’s bathroom.

Dating Websites: Hey, Creeper, save your money and go get drunk at a bar.

Twitter: Get a life.

It is not the games that ruin it fo me but mostly the “athletes” and their image that I have in my mind is what makes me cringe. Except for a few events I think if given the proper resources and means that anyone can compete in almost every event. Some competitors are bred to compete and tain at very young ages in preparation for the games. I do feel they sacrifice a normal way of life but I don’t understand what they do it for. I am not a fast runner and no matter how much training I will never be the fastest but I can swim quite well and if I were to train daily for 8 hours I am pretty sure I could compete for Olympic gold. Many competitors are made into money-machine icons. Michael Phelps does what he does best and that is swim and he won like 6 gold medals in the last Summer Olympics and made millions in endorsements but that was not good enough and the public had to bring him to a collective level of scum when pictures of him smoking pot were found on the internet.  He was the hot topic for the Olympics and for maybe a month after but now we hear nothing about the gold medal hero. I just have this whole dislike for the Olympics and the competitors and I really do not know why but let me try to explain maybe why. The image I have of these competitors who train for much of their life to reach the Olympics and win a Gold Medal is a person reaching those goals by feeding off of anyone who can help get them there. I do not see how many of the competitors can train and hold down a job to pay for the training or make enough for daily living. I was told that Phelps worked at Home Depot during training.. I think that is complete bullshit and if he did it was just a publicity move, besides I would rather have Gary Coleman help me out at the Depot than Phelps. But, anyways, I just think that this all too much for the goal of an Olympic Gold Medal.

Champions Anderson Silva, Georges St. Pierre and Brock Lesnar were all out of action for a few months due to injuries and the UFC did not have a back up plan at all. Oh, wait, yeah they did: 45-year-old Randy Couture who seemed to be the only PPV headliner in recent cards. Every card needs to have a title fight and or a fight matching up the #2 vs. #3 of a weight class and winner gets a title shot. Since 2001 the average amount of title fights per years for each weight class has been 2 and in 2009 there was only one heavyweight title fight. There should be at least 3 title fights and if the champion is hurt then there better be an interim champ. The next few cards seem quality with some title fights and other great match ups but one thing puzzles me: why is BJ Penn defending his title against Frankie Edgar? Frankie Edgar gets a title shot for having a record of 11-1 with wins over washed-up fighters like Sean Sherk and Hermes Franca but his only loss is to a real top contender in Gray Maynard (11-0). Five out of Edgar’s seven fights have gone to decision and he has one TKO and one submission……..BJ Penns is going to have a new bitch.

I must have burned myself from watching UFC repeats but I am sick of watching some fighters fight. If the UFC wants to remain the elite promotional company than they to thin out their stable of home-grown fighters or have a type of “minor league”, not the TUF, where fighters can hone their skills and later try them out against the UFC elite.  I am sick of seeing scrubs fighting other scrubs. I want more Cain Velasquez, Micheal Bisping (cannot wait for his fight against Wanderlei Silva) and Jon Bones Jones and less Josh Koscheck, Nate Diaz, all the other scrubs from TUF seasons. If the UFC wants to be the best than they need to get the best and what I mean by that is having a couple “Super Fights” a year. Get the best fighters in the world the chance to be the undisputed pound for pound best fighter int the world. How awesome would it be to see if Fedor can go toe-to-toe with Brock Lesnar or out grapple Frank Mir? Would Strikeforce Welterweight Champion Nick Diaz’s Gracie Jui-Juitsu be too much for UFC champ Georges St. Pierre? Gegard Mousasi has the skills to just dominate any 205lb. UFC fighter and possibly dethrone Anderson Silva from the No.1 fighter spot. Get Dan Henderson back whom left the UFC to fight for Strikeforce. Strikeforce has a stable of fresh exciting fighters (some who are UFC outcasts) and has more shine and appeal as a top contender with the UFC as a MMA promotional company. Strikeforce aslo has deals with M1/Global, Dream and Shine promotions to borrow fighters for more exciting and meaningful bouts. The UFC is getting dull and needs to have a great year to remain the best.